On Heroes & Those Behind Them
by Slavka13748
Summary: Shepard's musings before going through the Omega 4 Relay. Oneshot. References made to femShep/Kaidan. Rated T to be safe.


_I'll keep this quick. Basically, this was the result of a mad brain wave at about midnight the other night, and I'm fairly sure it does what it says in the summary. I have no idea where it came from, but since I'm trying to get back into writing, constructive criticism would be welcomed. _

**On Heroes & Those Behind Them**

"Aye aye, Commander. Setting a course for the Omega 4 relay now."

So, this was it. Another suicide mission. Another one-way trip into certain death. For all her preparation, Arianna Shepard knew she probably wouldn't be coming back from this one.

Sure, sacrificing yourself for the greater good was noble and all that. And Shepard liked to think that she could still make claim to some semblance of nobility. Even if she was working with terrorists, her own mission was surely noble – fighting against an unknown evil is typical hero fare.

Still, right now Shepard didn't feel much like a hero. Here she was, standing in her quarters, contemplating her imminent demise... and just about shitting herself in the process.

Strange really. It hadn't been the same two years ago. Rushing off through that relay to Ilos had seemed like the only thing to do, however rash. Besides, back then she knew there was nothing her and her team couldn't do. Doubt was never even part of the equation. But now?

Something seemed off. Maybe it was the squad? She'd happily trust the crew of the SR-1 with her life, but these people? Even Wrex was more stable than most of them. And as for her backer, she couldn't name one of his missions that hadn't turned out to be a trap of some kind. Even Horizon – The Illusive Man had to have known Kaidan was stationed there. An attempt to make her sever ties, no doubt.

It hadn't worked. Kaidan's picture still flickered into life as she sat down at her desk. A reminder of happier times. She picked up the portrait now, absentmindedly rubbing at the the fingerprint smudges on the frame.

"You'd know what to do, wouldn't you? Or you'd at least tell me to stop being so batshit insane and actually think of a plan before going through the death relay. Not that I really have a choice. The Illusive Man insists that the Collectors are the greatest threat to humanity now. I can only hope that means the rest of the galaxy as well. It'd be bloody brilliant if I went and died to stop the Collectors, only for the Reapers to come and massacre everyone anyway. I wouldn't even get to see you again..."

Shepard almost laughed at that. The galaxy's at stake, and here she was, a 31 year old marine, talking to a photo and pining like a teenager. Heroes weren't supposed to do that. They were supposed to stare death in the face, confident that they would emerge triumphant and lives would be saved.

Maybe death wouldn't be that bad. Everyone else on board seemed to have accepted their impending doom. Well, those that were left. The others... It was hard to think about.

Maybe that was the trick. Don't think, just do. She certainly hadn't been thinking much before Ilos. She'd stolen the Normandy, disobeyed direct orders from the Council itself, and all but told her former captain to punch out the human ambassador. Not exactly the moves of a logical, hell, even a rational, person,

She hadn't even had time to let all that sink in before the door to her quarters aboard the SR-1 slid open. Kaidan had stood there, talking, trying to rationalise the whole mess... Before she even knew it, Shepard had done another stupid thing. She'd let herself fall in love.

"Still on course for the Omega 4 Relay. ETA two hours. Still sure you wanna do this Commander? Last chance to turn back."

Shepard carefully replaced the photo on the desk. No more wallowing – it was time to put the confident face on for the crew. Do it well, and maybe they'd buy the big heroic speech as well.

Hell, it had worked after Horizon. She had come out of that an emotional wreck, but you wouldn't know to look at her. Turns out that if you wear the mask right, you can convince anyone of anything. Even yourself.

"ETA one hour and counting, Commander. You want me to tell the others to suit up?"

Way ahead of you, Joker. The old N7 armour fit like a dream, considering it hadn't even been tailored for her. Her own suit was presumably long gone, and it had taken months to find a decent replacement. A little bit of petty sentimentality. Shepard figured she was entitled to it.

She paused at the desk again on her way out, leaning against the edge as she calibrated her visor. Just remember the plan, Ari. Don't think, and somehow, everything's going to turn out alright. That's how it works in the vids, right?

That said, vids involving suicide missions unusually finish with the hero staying behind to fight impossible odds whilst his girlfriend caws "Noooooo!" from the retreating shuttle. All to save the universe, and maybe get a big statue and a fancy funeral at the end.

Screw the rules. A hero might die a tragic death to save the galaxy, but Shepard wasn't really a hero. She was just a woman who happened to get in way over her head, die, and then get resurrected solely to fight again.

Shepard had no intention of dying. Not any more. She defeated Saren and stopped a Reaper invasion with little more than five people and the name of a planet. Twelve people and a Reaper IFF against the Collectors should be no sweat.

Her calibrations finished, she cast one last glance towards the picture on her desk.

No way am I leaving this at Horizon.


End file.
